On Honesty

Therapy was hard this week. I actually expected to walk in and be all fluffy and proud and "hey, I did some CCC's!" And, instead was met with the fact that I was totally resistant in bringing my former go-to binge food...a piece of 4-layer chocolate fudge cake. I was supposed to bring this in so we could start discussing why I have given such control to dessert, and to practice mindful eating. I instead told her I wasn't "in the mood" for the cake. Which, let's be honest - when have I ever *not* been in the mood for it? The fact is that I was scared of what eating the cake might mean..and the fear of it all of a sudden erasing my 8 months of binge-free food purchasing.

We spent the hour, uncomfortably, hashing out some of my thoughts and feelings, and wow, I hated it! I hated (in the moment) being so honest with myself that it made me uncomfortable. Tears of sadness came as I sat on the couch and discussed my true fears. Many revolving around the cake, but even more revolving around the fact that I am no longer this person who finds "happiness" in dieting, working out, and forever trying to attain something that seems ever so slightly out of reach. Deep rooted feelings of perfectionism, hurt, frustration with this new life and the feeling that no one actually understands what I am trying to do here. I'm not on a diet. I'm not just trying to find a quick fix to lose weight. I can no longer be that girl I used to be for 10 years, and do you know how hard that is? Hard.

She encouraged me to leave this session and go into this week working on being honest about my journey - talk to others, and purge those things in my life that are a reminder of who I used to be. Toss magazines, un-follow, de-friend, and find new things that can fill my time with positive things so I can feel that I am not alone in this, where I can learn new skills in accepting this body that is mine. Learning to love myself for who I am now, and not being disappointed in myself for the person I used to be that I am no longer.

So these last few days have been met with a lot of quiet moments challenging thoughts in my head, and really asking myself why I feel the way I do about certain things. It is exhausting in moments, but I know that in order to get to where I want to be, I need to move through all of this muck. And so today, when my sweet husband said: "I find it unbelievable I'm married to such a gorgeous woman." Instead of meeting him with a sarcastic, "oh sure, whatever". I took a moment and accepted that he does love me that much, for everything I am - and totally oblivious to the things I am not.

A Valentine Vignette

For quite a while now, as seasons passed, I drooled over fabulous crafty and creative blogs that showcased decorated mantels or vignettes. Living in a house with 2 roommates and a dog (whom I love!), I decided putting the effort into decorating was not going to happen, and so I tucked away these ideas until I had a place of my own to call "home".

As soon as I found out I'd be having my own place sooner than I thought, I grew more and more excited to decorate my own vignette. I even scooped up an entry table on Craigslist in preparation. Can you say craft nerd? Once I was in my new place, my first priority was getting my vignette done for Valentine's day. I sketched out a couple of options, and over a couple of days, in between packing and life, I was able to get something together. I went with the red and brown theme - the same colors Brian and I will be using in our August wedding.

I added a cute vinyl cut-out to a plate I found at Goodwill, and I absolutely adore the "LOVE" font on the mirror (also vinyl). I didn't want to spend gobs of money on candy to fill my rather large apothecary jar, so instead I did a few tissue pom poms.


In the little tray, an adorable pillow Brian's sister-in-law made for our engagement. I love it! Also, a frame with a printed version of EE Cummings "I Carry Your Heart With Me" that I threw together.

My favorite, would have to be the cupcake wreathe wrapper I had seen on Tatortots and Jello quite some time ago. I had mentioned my desire to make one of these to Brian and every so often he would ask if I'd made it yet. I told him the time just wasn't right. (Not until I had my vignette!) :)

I love the way it turned out, but never fully satisfied with anything I craft... I knew it was missing something. A penant! I had some excess fabric from other projects and made it in a few minutes. I think it was the perfect addition.

Now...to start dreaming up the next vignette design...