Therapy was hard this week. I actually expected to walk in and be all fluffy and proud and "hey, I did some CCC's!" And, instead was met with the fact that I was totally resistant in bringing my former go-to binge food...a piece of 4-layer chocolate fudge cake. I was supposed to bring this in so we could start discussing why I have given such control to dessert, and to practice mindful eating. I instead told her I wasn't "in the mood" for the cake. Which, let's be honest - when have I ever *not* been in the mood for it? The fact is that I was scared of what eating the cake might mean..and the fear of it all of a sudden erasing my 8 months of binge-free food purchasing.
We spent the hour, uncomfortably, hashing out some of my thoughts and feelings, and wow, I hated it! I hated (in the moment) being so honest with myself that it made me uncomfortable. Tears of sadness came as I sat on the couch and discussed my true fears. Many revolving around the cake, but even more revolving around the fact that I am no longer this person who finds "happiness" in dieting, working out, and forever trying to attain something that seems ever so slightly out of reach. Deep rooted feelings of perfectionism, hurt, frustration with this new life and the feeling that no one actually understands what I am trying to do here. I'm not on a diet. I'm not just trying to find a quick fix to lose weight. I can no longer be that girl I used to be for 10 years, and do you know how hard that is? Hard.
She encouraged me to leave this session and go into this week working on being honest about my journey - talk to others, and purge those things in my life that are a reminder of who I used to be. Toss magazines, un-follow, de-friend, and find new things that can fill my time with positive things so I can feel that I am not alone in this, where I can learn new skills in accepting this body that is mine. Learning to love myself for who I am now, and not being disappointed in myself for the person I used to be that I am no longer.
So these last few days have been met with a lot of quiet moments challenging thoughts in my head, and really asking myself why I feel the way I do about certain things. It is exhausting in moments, but I know that in order to get to where I want to be, I need to move through all of this muck. And so today, when my sweet husband said: "I find it unbelievable I'm married to such a gorgeous woman." Instead of meeting him with a sarcastic, "oh sure, whatever". I took a moment and accepted that he does love me that much, for everything I am - and totally oblivious to the things I am not.
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